The Final Daycare Payment

Good morning,

This week, I made our final daycare payment, and I was overcome with emotions,  but not the ones I had always imagined would come with that moment. As always, I wanted to share this because someone reading it may one day find themselves standing in the same place.

In 2018, I gave birth to my first child, and with her came my own journey into motherhood. Or maybe more accurately, the journey of figuring out how to become a mother while still trying to be everything else. One thing I knew for certain was that I was going to be a working mom, mainly because I am good at what I do and genuinely enjoy it, but also because we don't live in a world where one income is enough for most families anymore. Like millions of other parents, we began exploring daycare options.

Now, as a kid who grew up in the 90s, living next door to her maternal grandparents, daycare was something I had ZERO experience with. If I'm being honest, most of what I had heard were horror stories. But we didn't have any other options, so the search began.

We talked with friends and coworkers who were a little further along in parenthood and realized an in-home daycare would best meet our family's needs. It may not align with our financial goals, but from a psychological safety perspective, it felt right. We began researching and interviewing providers, and considering my husband conducted psychiatric risk assessments for a living, you can imagine how intense those interviews became. He asked all the questions while I sat beside him physically, but emotionally, I was somewhere else, wondering if I was making the biggest mistake of my life by going back to work.

We finally settled on a family-run daycare, Miss Susan and her family, who had been caring for children for more than 15 years. We loved the idea of introducing Ava to new cultures and immediately felt comfortable with them. Over time, it became clear that this was one of the best decisions our family could have made. The older children quickly took to Ava, and every afternoon at pickup, Miss Susan reassured me that she was doing well, that she was happy, and that she would thrive.

I'll spare you the details of the next few years as COVID arrived and we prepared to welcome another baby into the world, but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that Miss Susan completely shattered every fear I had about daycare.

As moms, there are so many things we have to consider when making just ONE decision, and somehow every decision seems to come with judgment, shame, guilt, or regret attached to it. Miss Susan became more than I ever imagined, not just for our children, but for me.

She became the gentle guide who helped us navigate starting solids, dropping naps, and potty training. I'm sure she witnessed many of my children's "firsts," but she never told me because, as a mother herself, she knew it would have broken my heart.

Then COVID came.

When Evan was born, she saw me completely raw and unfiltered, struggling through one of the darkest periods of my life. She never had to ask how I was. She could see it.

Of all the people in my life, I chose to take my mask off with Miss Susan, probably because somewhere deep down I knew she could help me, and she did. One morning, after my third sleepless night with a colicky newborn during a pandemic and virtually no support outside of my husband, I showed up at her doorstep with Ava in tow. She greeted Ava with a big hug and then wrapped me in one, too.

Then she placed her hand on my shoulder and quietly said,

"I want you to bring the baby to me so that you can get some rest and take care of yourself."

I remember telling her he was only nine weeks old.

I remember feeling guilty.

I remember feeling like I was falling apart.

Honestly, much of that season is still a blur.

But I also remember something else.

I remember feeling seen.

I remember feeling relief.

I talked with my husband, and together we decided to bring Evan to Miss Susan two days a week because we knew it would have a significant impact on my mental health.

I can tell you now that it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I wrestled with that decision for a long time, and to be honest, I even debated sharing this part of the story with you today.

Miss Susan never once called me to come pick Evan up. She never told me he cried all day, even though I later learned he often did because Ava innocently filled me in.

She simply kept showing up.

Miss Susan took care of my entire family by taking care of me.

For that, I will always be grateful.

I actually feel sorry for the people who never get to experience someone like Miss Susan. Someone who becomes part of your village. Someone who loves your children so deeply that they end up loving you, too.

She is so much more than our daycare provider.

She is family.

Over the years, she has celebrated milestones with us, brought food during difficult seasons, checked on us when life got hard, and stepped in when our plans fell apart.

We won't simply be leaving daycare.

We'll be leaving behind a piece of our family's story.

So as I made that final daycare payment and sat with the strange realization that our relationship is about to change, I couldn't help but think about the version of me sitting beside my husband eight years ago, terrified I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

In those eight years...

I recovered from TWO postpartum mental health episodes.

I wrote and published three books.

I started a podcast.

I joined Postpartum Support International's Maryland Board of Directors.

I spoke on stages and in media interviews across the country about maternal mental health.

I launched The Whole Mom.

Looking back, choosing Miss Susan wasn't just a childcare decision.

It was one of the greatest investments we ever made in our family's well-being. I once imagined this last daycare payment would simply mean a little extra money in our bank account. I never imagined it would also come with grief, because here's what I realized...

We often measure daycare in dollars.

I measure it in something far more valuable.

Peace of mind.

Healing.

The ability to continue building a career I love.

The space to recover.

The opportunity to become the mother I was becoming.

Looking back, I don't think we were paying for childcare.

We were investing in our family's well-being.

So while people continue debating whether mothers should stay home or work, whether daycare is the "right" choice or not, I hope this story reminds you that there isn't one right path through motherhood.

There is only the path that helps your family thrive.

Don't let someone else's blueprint become your measuring stick, and if you're lucky enough to find your own Miss Susan along the way, hold onto them tightly. They may just become part of the story that helps raise not only your children...

...but you, too.

Now, onto the next chapter of this story, and almost ten years of marriage.

Maybe we can finally take that trip, and I am open to all recommendations.

Thank you for letting me share this with you

💜

Nicole

Born Together

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